Hey I just wanted to say thank you to the old & the new crew, without you this forum wouldn't be the great resource that it has always been...if you use it right lol. Use it wrong just like a sledgehammer, you can create a lot of damage. This reunion allowed me to repair some damage that I had caused unknowingly, but I apologized sincerely for a problem my kind of not really, exactly disappearance from the face of the earth had caused (Stacey and I had discussed that I needed to step back and focus on fixing or trying at least to fix some "me problems" and I needed to do them alone this time. She understood that and neither of us could believe it had been 5 years since we last spoke...
Now I'm known for doing things my way and they either work out really well or they are crash and fail exercises...for science lol. Things usually went really good in business but in my personal life...that same approach didn't work so well. And when I am stressed (or rather when I used to get stressed) I was known for losing things, constantly losing my wallet, misplacing keys (I had a real simple solution for that one...just leave them in the ignition & leave the doors unlocked) worked for me, never got robbed (that is a miracle in & of itself, I'm a very blessed man)...I was also specifically known for losing my personal phone during these "occurrences" and when I did I wasn't in a real big hurry to replace it, I considered it a "vacation", Stacey would kindly says "it's just your way". Unfortunately, doing things my way this time had caused her a lot of unnecessary worry and I am and will always be sorry that "my way", my irresponsible, inconsiderate behavior freaked her out a little bit. After a period of time attempting to call me & no response, she called my wife (one of the sad problems I would have to deal with that both of our behaviors primarily because of stress simply had to end) I didn't even know Stacey had called and that she had left a message...checking in, what a concerned good friend would do...I never received that message and Stacey feared I may have even died. I felt lower than low. But lucky her, I'm Back...And I'm pretty dang happy. I still deal with anxiety now and again but nothing like before, that is not intended as an excuse for the worry and stress that my behaviors caused, all I can do is my best to not do the negative dipsh!t behaviors I was also known for doing...doing things "my way" business was great, so great I lived a life that was essentially a non stop party..."my way"... drunk. And it was never talked about because..I was also known for being very stubborn, unbending at times...it was simply "my nature.'
Work was always complete, heck I took pride in the fact that I had never missed a deadline. Some how despite my massive abuse of alcohol, I was always profitable and I pretty much basically no-one called me out on my behavior and I guarantee that it would not have influenced my behavior. I know that to be true because Stacey did, not bitching just reminding me that my drinking (and pain pill abuse) was only going to get worse with time and that I should deal with that self destructive behavior before it destroyed me. She did what a friend should have done, she voiced her concerns, even asked me to get help for my addictions.
Being the cavalier dipshit I was, I listened, I heard her crystal clear, but "my way" was working amazingly well...it worked amazingly well at making me miserable.
But hey, business was Booming and being the stubborn, cavalier, wild banshee doing things "my way"...no one was going to tell me what to do!
Pretty quickly push came to shove & with all things in my life papers were filed for divorce & it crushed me to my core, we both knew it had to happen, it didn't have to happen as it did, we had both hurt each other and we both knew it had become toxic and what is done is done. It hurts and it will always hurt but I was free. You know to chase HAPPINESS...kind of sort of, not really. As with all things in my life, there had to be a surprise!
The Judge wouldn't sign the papers until we completed one entire year of weekly counseling and we both just wanted closure.
It was a great time..a great use of time being ruthlessly mean to each other. I was no angel in any of it, I was even embarrassed with myself and we got through it and I learned a whole lot about how my wife felt about me, from the start 22 long years ago. It hurt and I had earned a lot of it, but no one deserves to be abused and when l became handicap the abuse became physical. To cope through the proceedings (well all the negotiations before them, proceedings were over after we each said one sentence) but during all the crap before that I started a journal of sorts..."my way" of all the things I wanted to do when I was FREE...you know to chase "HAPPINESS" (and some blondes, a few red heads, I tend to avoid brunettes especially if they have Blue eyes.. they are evil, pure evil.)
I'm kind of joking for a brief moment I thought my HAPPINESS required a partner, pretty and you know...but even I knew that had nothing to do with my personal journey in search of
you guessed it, my HAPPINESS. So I reviewed my journal, my action plan for reaching MY goal not an OUR goal and I had wrote
#1 GET CLEAN & SOBER!
and I did.
And I was so happy, maybe a little proud to tell my friend Stacey that I was at approximately 5 1/2 years free of pain pills and alcohol. And you'll never believe this one...doing so had without a doubt increased my happiness, I can't think of a single area of my life that has not improved because of changing that one habit, addiction.
Stacey and I shared all kinds of events, stories, all the things we had missed. And then started our day texting more of this and that...and guess what, you will never believe this one...I haven't lost my phone since I quit drinking and drugging, and hopefully I don't so that I don't freak her out thinking I had finally met my demise and have to listen to all of that noise EVER again...just kidding she was beyond understanding, and I am more than fortunate to still have her as a friend, THANK YOU Ms. STACEY, not only for your kindness but especially for loving me when even I couldn't love myself. And thank you all again as well as this forum to, it allowed us to quickly pick up the pieces (5 years later...doing shit,"my way" again). I hope that each of you find the time to chase a little HAPPINESS between all that workie work stuff, because we could all use a little more KINDNESS and HAPPINESS in this world.
