I could copy/paste a crap-ton of news story links here talking about the cost of parenthood being the leading factor for people deciding not to have children. You keep on mentioning women being "gatekeepers" and it really sounds more and more sexist each time you do it.
Everyone goes to the "ist" when it's something that they don't like hearing.
The gender that bares the most during the reproduction stage (risks, nutrient giving etc), not necessarily post parturition are the ones that gate keep it. Most of the rituals that we did (dates, asking out, shoot even the fighting at times) all bare that out. That was flipped I'm sure because someone thought it was "ist" even though the vast majority of species do it in some form or fashion out in the wild. Ironically, because it was flipped, that actually put them at a disadvantage (and some aren't liking it as much as well). While there are some species of animals that have the gender flipped, they also have risks flipped as well. That's the key thing, who bares the risks of the actual pregnancy and work therein.
Now here is the irony, depending on if it's the cost or if it's the lost of independence whatever, that is still going to be dictated by the woman's position on things. She is still the gatekeeper. There is nothing wrong inherently with that. It makes biological sense for the risk barer to be the gatekeeper. Now if the matrix of information that is used is off, that presents a problem, but that is another independent concern.
We'll have to agree to disagree on this cost of having children topic. It sounds like you think anyone should have no problem affording it. I extremely do not agree with that. Parenthood for quite a lot of people is an instant gateway into poverty.
Kids nowadays don't have financial literacy, otherwise, why would they be taking out all of these loans? We had a sub prime loan crisis not all that long ago. If there is no financial literacy, no matter what they do, they are going to be in the shit. Going to college puts people into poverty, yet I don't really see people advocating against that for quite a few jobs that actually don't need a degree (or they get a degree that is worthless, but took out huge amounts of loans and at usury rates, at least I would argue in my non legal mind). For a lot of people, college is also a gateway to poverty. One can do very well with it, but have to be smart about how one does it. One can also do well with not having gone, but do their own thing (typically that's the trade off, have to be willing to work for yourself, not always, but that does help).
And I say this, having had a grandfather that was denied a position due to lacking that very thing despite the person he would have replaced saying that he was the qualified person for it (from a practical standpoint) compared to the college grad that they hired (and the person that they hired was let go fairly quickly, now would my grandfather done better, I would like to think so, don't know because never had that chance).
Opulence? Really? You sound completely out of touch and very off-putting with that remark. With that comment it sounds like you think every couple looking to have kids wants to live in a friggin' mansion. The reality is they're just trying to find a simple house or apartment with 2 bedrooms. Many ordinary, NOT "opulent" houses and apartments have been priced way the f*** out of reach.
I refer back to the many videos of woman talking about how men in their 20s should be making 6 figures (as well as being over 6' tall). So yes, I am quite confident that there is some exaggerated over expectations out there.
What you say, is perfectly reasonable.
Most of this pricing out of sight, I would argue started happening when we had an explosion of the hiring pool (which depresses wages due to supply/demand) and the increase of cost of goods (for the same reason (supply/demand)). And it just spiraled from there to what we have now. I would argue that was the catalyst that started it all.
But I think we disagree on just how pervasive the over inflated expectations that there are out there.
I call bullshit on that. There are no places in the US where abortion by choice is legal in the third trimester. The only way a pregnancy is being terminated at that late stage is if there is something fatally wrong with the fetus or the mother has suffered some kind of potentially fatal condition, such as an abruption (where the placenta separates from the wall of the uterus, the mother could bleed to death).
I didn't say abortions by choice, I just said abortions throughout pregnancy. Unless the mother is unaware that she is pregnant, by the time that it gets to late stage, most women would have already decided as far as by elective choice. There are 9 states that allow abortion with no gestational time constraints. Out of those, there are 4 states (Maryland, New Mexico, Oregon and Colorado (also include DC, but not a state, just for completeness)) have clinics that openly state that they take past 28 wks. Now, if going off of Roe v. Wade, it only protected until viability, after that, it's a state's concern (it should have always been a state's concern). Now, there is one state (Alabama if I recall), also takes mental health of the mother into question. But I think that's the only one.
Single people vilifying other people for having kids? I call bullshit on that too. Most people are smart enough to pick their battles and the last thing anyone wants to do (if they're not completely stupid) is be openly critical of any parent.
I know, because my sister was. How could she want to be pregnant and have to deal with a brat that would keep her from realizing her dreams, her independence. Yes it does happen. Although I didn't say single people. This could come from married people as well. Married, childless by choice is a thing and they do that as well. Is it everyone one of them, no. Although with more and more people using social media as their diary, one can get a glimpse of it.
I also didn't say "most" or even "all" do this, I said "some" do this. Which would actually fit in with what you said.
Children in different age groups give their parents different challenges. Lord knows me and my brother gave our parents no end of them from infancy up until high school age. Thankfully we had military benefits to cover all the bones I broke doing stupid stunts outdoors -we didn't have game consoles and other stuff like that back then. We had to entertain ourselves outdoors.
Back in the 80s, had quite a few consoles, arcades. But Atari had been a thing since the mid 70s as well. I thought we were around the same age, maybe not. However, one isn't mutually exclusive of the other. Remember, me aggie. Lots to do outside as well. I have dealt with my share of accidents, usually horse related (hairline rib crack(I suspect, but no way of really knowing), had one fall on my knee, kicked in the hips, rarely saw a doc).
Some don't give them any challenges though. My sister did, I didn't (they were probably expecting it, but it never happened). Life is supposed to be challenging though, to think that it's not going to be, regardless if one has kids or not, I don't think one is actually living. Just merely existing. My kids have been good, few tiffs, but nothing like my sister did with my parents, so I lucked out. My sister's daughter didn't have much issues as well.
Sorry, but the financial math of parenthood is easy for anyone to grasp. They don't have to literally live a mistake to understand it.
Ironically, people today aren't financially literate. I have mentioned before some things that would lead into that. Is that everyone, no, however, I would say that it's the majority given the issues that we are having. And the easy credit that is afforded to people that are just 18, that is already having them start behind the 8 ball.
Ironically, we actually learn more from mistakes compared to successes. That's why it seems like some intellectuals that have only known what life is like in college seem disconnected with the real world. They have been shielded from what mistakes would have happened if what they expound was actually realized. The irony of theory versus practical knowledge.
But in this context, most aren't financially literate, because even though they may stay away from X due to financial concerns, they do the exact opposite with Y. Even though the issues are very much the same thing.
It is a factor on why the teen pregnancy rate today is a mere 1/3 of the rate in 1990. It's easy for people to see the financial pain of what other people are going through. Some people, like me, remember hard times from early childhood experience. My parents were practically kids when I came into the picture. My mother had to drop out of high school. Both my mother and dad got kicked out on their own. My dad ended up joining the Marine Corps to get us out of the small oil town in New Mexico where we lived. By the time I reached my teen years, with hormones raging, I didn't forget what my parents went through and I wasn't too keen on repeating it.
Let's see, my maternal grandparents had mom when they were late teens (they only had one kid). Grandmother had a full ride to SMU on scholarship, only went for a month, she was done with HS. They were married (no, no shotguns were involved, the math worked out). Paternal grandmother went all the way to masters (both my grandmothers were the first to have part or full college). Dad had the GI Bill for his education, plus mom was working at the college so they got another discount (she went as well). While mom didn't have us quite as young, it wasn't that much older either and they were doing this while juggling kids.
Difficulty can go either way. A person can either crumble or a person can work through it. It can either increase the bond or it can destroy it if it involves two (or more) people. If one chooses well, who they choose to spend their time with, their chances are good in weathering it and coming out better for it. Unfortunately, with more and more people coming from broken homes, having that parental dynamic to grow up with, makes it hard to judge people accordingly. Doesn't always work (especially if poorly chosen), but I would say the majority of the time, it does improve one's chances. Unfortunately, that dynamic isn't as prevalent as it once was.
But like how you are skewed with your own history, I am with mine (and what has gone through my wife's as well), so there is that.