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Joke
- Thread starter oldgoatroper
- Start date
Gino
Premium Subscriber
The Jewish ELBOW
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and
with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your
elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with
my elbow? .........
"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido,
I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38
revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
Irish blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck
down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby,
Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers,
picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
.... but all men...are men!
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and
with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your
elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with
my elbow? .........
"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido,
I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38
revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
Irish blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck
down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby,
Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers,
picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I
don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
.... but all men...are men!
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!
oldgoatroper
Roper of Goats. Old ones.
So Freddie, who was a bit thick, got a new job that required him to have his own transportation. Freddie had never owned a car before, and went directly to the used car lot on Main Street, just down the block from his favourite diner.
Freddie, who was a bit thick, didn't have much money but figured he could maybe spend about $500 for a car. At the used car lot on Main Street, right down from his favourite diner, he found a car that had a large $500 sign stuck in the windshield. So Freddie, who was a bit thick, asked the used car salesman how much for the car. The salesman says "Freddie, you must be a bit thick, cause the sign right in the windshield says $500. But I tell you what, Freddie. You bring me cash and I'll discount the price by 5%".
Freddie leaves to go home to get his money, but being a bit thick, couldn't figure out how much the car would actually cost after a 5% discount. So he goes into his favourite diner, which was right down the block there on Main Street. He sits down and has an idea, which doesn't happen often because he knows he's a bit thick. But he looks at Doris, his favourite waitress at his favourite diner on Mainstreet, and asks "Doris? If I gave you a $500 tip and you discounted it by 5%, how much would you take off?"
Doris looks at Freddie, who is usually a bit thick, and after a moment replies, "Honey, you give me $500 and I'll take off everything but my earings."
Freddie, who was a bit thick, didn't have much money but figured he could maybe spend about $500 for a car. At the used car lot on Main Street, right down from his favourite diner, he found a car that had a large $500 sign stuck in the windshield. So Freddie, who was a bit thick, asked the used car salesman how much for the car. The salesman says "Freddie, you must be a bit thick, cause the sign right in the windshield says $500. But I tell you what, Freddie. You bring me cash and I'll discount the price by 5%".
Freddie leaves to go home to get his money, but being a bit thick, couldn't figure out how much the car would actually cost after a 5% discount. So he goes into his favourite diner, which was right down the block there on Main Street. He sits down and has an idea, which doesn't happen often because he knows he's a bit thick. But he looks at Doris, his favourite waitress at his favourite diner on Mainstreet, and asks "Doris? If I gave you a $500 tip and you discounted it by 5%, how much would you take off?"
Doris looks at Freddie, who is usually a bit thick, and after a moment replies, "Honey, you give me $500 and I'll take off everything but my earings."
Gino
Premium Subscriber
The Candy With The Little Hole
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're a$$-holes!"
Gino
Premium Subscriber
IRS AUDIT
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
Good question noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
Oh, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases?" "What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
Ah, yes, replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
I see, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr!ck."
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
Good question noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
Oh, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases?" "What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
Ah, yes, replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
I see, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr!ck."
Johnny Best
Active Member
inappropriate
Last edited by a moderator:
Gino
Premium Subscriber
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
Recently, a female Sheriff's Deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is itmidnight already?'”
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.
Recently, a female Sheriff's Deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is itmidnight already?'”
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.
Gino
Premium Subscriber
As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire!!
The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Trump: "Mr President, please, accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire!!
The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Trump: "Mr President, please, accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.