Verbiage help?

[Jillbeans]

This is a copy-n-paste straight from the client's email:

-Paint and body updates and repairs
-Mechanical repairs
-Conversion updates and repairs

For use on a business card. He knows it's too wordy, and so do I. But for the life of me I can't think of a better way to phrase his laundry list.
For someone who does bus and truck repairs and motorcoach modifications.
I think the word motorcoach might be good to add in somewhere because the guy works on some cool tour busses.

Any suggestions?
:signs101:
Love....Jill

 

[MtnView]

Paint-Body-Mechanical-Conversions

If the card is horizontal that is. Dots instead of dashes between services might look better.

 

[SignManiac]

+1

On his copy / paste version, repairs on every line is redundant. I would expect most people to assume he does repairs anyway if they plan to take their vehicles to him.

 

[Moze]

Agreed, repairs is redundant. And it's not much, but maybe use '&' instead of 'and'.

 

[Gino]

Motor Coach Updates & Repairs
Paint * Body * Mechanical * Conversions



​

Some places refer to them as only... coaches and not motor coaches. Don't know why, but I guess it's an industry preferred kinda thinking. They get kinda wonky when you call them a bus.

 

[Jillbeans]

I think Gino's version might work best.
I will give it a try.
With the redundancy, I agree about changing things up but I didn't know the best way.
Thank you.
Card is more than likely going to be a horizontal layout.

 

[Jillbeans]

Here's how it looks.
This logo package was sold entirely because of Dan Antonelli's new book.

I had it with ampersands but the guy wanted dots. It looks better with them.
I blacked out his contact info but the cards won't have that haha.

 

[Moze]

My uneducated eye says it looks perfect! I like it a lot - good job.

 

[Jillbeans]

Thank you.
And thanks for the help. While I had no problem with selling or drawing this up...I just could not make the phrasing work.
Guy has been a dream to deal with.
Not 100% in love with the white highlight on the name but it's not like that in the logo, I was just trying to dress it up for the card. I may remove that.

 

[James Burke]

I just could not make the phrasing work.

Hold that thought...his list also works for a plastic surgeon.

-Paint and body updates and repairs - Cosmetic Surgery
-Mechanical repairs - Reconstructive Surgery
-Conversion updates and repairs - Gender Reassignment



JB

 

[Jillbeans]

hahahaha
:ROFLMAO:
I will mention this to him when he picks up his cards.

 

[bob]

While this situation seemed to have turned out well, as a general rule a sign maker should never, as in ever, get trapped into writing copy. For any reason. For anyone. Ever.

 

[Gino]

While this situation seemed to have turned out well, as a general rule a sign maker should never, as in ever, get trapped into writing copy. For any reason. For anyone. Ever.

Okay, you say as a general rule, but why ??

Many times when people come to us, it is for our experience and professional opinions. I usually preface most things by saying this is not right or wrong, but I'm putting it out there as food for thought. Not many people can afford copy artists and will put things down which makes sense to them, but either doesn't read right or just not make much sense to a common viewer. I find no problem after 40+ years of doing this to give examples verbally and sometimes in designs.

Just this morning, I was discussing some window decorations and wall signs with a lawyer. She had a few ideas, all which I considered bad. I suggested some things and within a few minutes she was saying.... ahh, I see, yeah, that makes sense. It's not an expensive order, but an extra 15 minutes of discussion, landed me the job and I'll stop by for the deposit tomorrow. Also, I got a parking ticket, which I promptly paid and managed to stick into the quote before sending it off.

 

[bob]

Okay, you say as a general rule, but why ??...

Once you do it, you assume responsibility for it. As a sign maker I assume responsibility for how a message is displayed, not what it says. Most of the time it's harmless, but the future is unpredictable. There is a very real possibility of someone taking exception to what is said and, in this litigious society, taking you to task for it. Always best to let someone else say whatever is being said.

 

[Gino]

Once you do it, you assume responsibility for it. As a sign maker I assume responsibility for how a message is displayed, not what it says. Most of the time it's harmless, but the future is unpredictable. There is a very real possibility of someone taking exception to what is said and, in this litigious society, taking you to task for it. Always best to let someone else say whatever is being said.

Yep, I agree 100%. That's why I put things out there and let them decide. No pressure from this ol' guy. If they choose something I mentioned, it's on them for accepting it. Come to think of it, I can't remember one time this sort of thing backfiring, but I can see your point.

 

[Steve C.]

Paint-Body-Mechanical-Conversions

If the card is horizontal that is. Dots instead of dashes between services might look better.

Maybe add Repairs?

• Paint & Body
• Mechanical
• Conversions & Repairs

 

[Jillbeans]

I agree about not wanting to be a copyrighter, and I usually don't make suggestions unless the client is asking for the dreaded "& more!"
But sometimes you just have to. In this case, I am glad I asked for help.
Client was open to suggestions.
:signs101: